I think that I was a little depressed this season to be honest. I don’t usually get effected by the holidays and I can’t even tell you what was different this year compared to others; it’s just unexplainable. I have just become a little emotional, which is not something I appreciate. The other night, I was reading Anna Karenina, I have been reading it on and off, for a couple of months. This time when I picked it up, the chapter was from the point of view of Annas son, Serezha. This is the first time Serezha has a part in the book from his point of view but it touched me. In this part, he is told his mother, Anna, is dead by his father and fathers new girlfriend. Which faithfully he does not believe and under the nuance of religion in the house, he was learning about the patriarchs-
“The part, however, about which he could not say anything at all but only floundered, cut the table, and rocked his chair, was that about the antediluvian patriarchs. He did not know any of them except Enoch, who was taken up to heaven alive. Previously he had remembered the others’ names, but now he had quite forgotten them, chiefly because Enoch was his favorite in the whole Old Testament, and attached to Enoch’s being taken up to Heaven there was a long string of thought in his head, which now occupied his mind while he looked fixedly on his fathers watch-chain and a half-unfastened button of his waist coat.
He did not believe in death, which was so often mentioned to him. He did not believe that people he loved could die, nor above all that he himself would die. That seemed to him quite impossible and incomprehensible. But he was told that everybody would die; he had even asked people he trusted and they all had confirmed it; his nurse too says so, though reluctantly.But Enoch had not died, so not everybody died, ‘and why should not anybody deserve the same in Gods sight, and be taken up to Heaven alive?’ thought Serezha. Bad people, that is to say people he didn’t like, might die; but the good ones might all be like Enoch.”
Later, that night- “When the candle had been taken away, he heard and felt his mother. She stood above him and caressed him with a loving look. But then windmills appeared and a knife and all became confused and he fell asleep.”
I remember feeling that way when I was little. Just faithful, not in God but in the thought that my parents would always be there and they could do no wrong. Things were so simple; like on Christmas Day, Santa would have already been there to deliver me presents and my whole family would be there; laughing with each other, joking about old times; drinking their egg nog. The feeling that they could just never not be there and I was a happy child; my biggest worry being if I had skittles that day, when my mom and I would go to the store. I always thought that if either of my parents stopped breathing, I would automatically stop breathing and die.
What happened to that simple, childish state; part of me would give anything to feel that way again. To just have faith that no one I love will ever pass away; now it’s like I just hope I pass away before I see anymore of them die. The loss of innocence and faith have come into my mind more than anything, this season. Now, what do I do to feel anything anymore! Every once in a while I feel a connection with someone, like they really understand where I’m coming from; but no, it was all a lie to get something usually- it’s especially concentrated in LA. Learn the definition of friend or even family. These notions are absent in our society and it’s quite sad. I’m not going to go on with this, it is actually depressing and hopefully I’ll get over it by the new year and explore this world a little more; find some joy that maybe someone out there might actually have, hopefully someone has found it. You know, instead of using those wonderful defense mechanisms; my favorite in others being, moving from one person to another trying to find what you are lacking to fill that great big void, you will nurture until your death!!! HAHA!
The happiness that was!!! Sorry about the picture quality! For some unknown reason, my mom is never in photos from my childhood it’s weird. At least, I know I was happy sometimes in my childhood and it wasn’t all a sham. XOXO
My dad and I, I think we were happy at this point, I must've been 5.
I was god damned cute and I actually smiled for pictures.
Ponies!!!
God damn!!! that is cute!! Shut up!! You wanted to be a cowgirl too!
Next to the Christmas tree!! 2 of my brothers and my dad.
Leo Tolstoy- you rocked!!!
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